Albert K. Park

Beads of sweat streaked meandering streams down my face, when my sweet dreams were invaded by “It” the terrorizing clown made popular in the “scary” 1990 motion picture. When they said parental guidance, they weren’t joking.

My best friend Michael was always into Halloween, haunted houses, and freaky movies. (He was also a fan of Goosebumps books and that show “Are you afraid of the Dark” man I hated that dumb show) One night, after some 7 year old negotiations, I finally gave in and agreed to watch “It”. Hey the 7 year old Mike was pretty persuasive. Little did I know, the movie was about a clown haunting kids like us, and “it” would haunt my dreams for years to come.




This Halloween seemed no different then the usual. Little princesses and spider men trick or treated, the weather was frigid and wet, college age and up girls dressed in slutty costumes (I didn’t mind this part), and all my friends used the unofficial holiday as another excuse to party. For me, Halloween 2009 would turn out to be one of the scariest ever!

On my lunch break at my day job, I pulled out my blackberry to check out the latest t-nation.com articles and reread some of my favorites like I usually do. With a belly full of a chicken breast salad and water I read Dan John’s article “4 challenges to Light your fire”. My palms usually get a little moist when I read his articles in anticipation of the grueling workouts he designs. He’s a renown strength coach and religious studies school teacher, probably because you really do need help from God to get through some of his workouts. This guy pulls weighted sleds carrying sand bags through the Utah snow in t shirts. Come on! If that doesn’t get you stoked I don’t know what does.


One of the four challenges really leaped out at me, since I’ve been doing a lot of KettleBell work for the last 6 months, considering my boss and mentor is a Russian Kettlebell Certified crazy European trainer from Slovenia. I mean that in the best possible way. The challenge was called the “THE BIG 55”.

The Big 55 was simple. It utilized two exercises with the Kettlebell (KB). KB swings and goblet squats. It’s name is derived from the rep scheme. 10 KB swings, 10 goblet squats, 9 KB swings, 9 goblet squats, etc….all the way down to one. 10 + 9 + 8 + 7 + 6+……..1 = 55. Get it? Good. The idea is to pick a weight that you can do 10 KB swings and goblet squats with and perform the rep scheme all the way down to 1 without putting the KB down. If this sounds easy, you probably have never done either exercise or don’t know what a Kettlebell is. Don’t judge.


(The swing: Maintaining a straight back, stand on your heels, look straight, and use an explosive hip snap on every rep.
Goblet squat: It is quite similar to a front squat. Hold the KB in front of your with both hands and the KB close to your chest. Squat. This will give you a more comfortable and natural straight-spine position)

So with getting off work late, I lost all motivation in the Halloween festivities and texted back my drunk friends telling them that Count Dracula (my costume this year) wasn’t going to make it out. Instead I decided to walk into the underground gym where I train and train others at, Hocevar Performance (shameless plug I know), to take on Dan John’s Big 55 challenge.

Have you ever been scared? Really terrified. A terror that triggers a chain reaction where you start sweating, your butt cheeks clench because you might sh*t on yourself, and you start breaking out into a repetitive prayer chant. Well, when I walked in to the gym drinking my pre workout concoction my body was blindsided by a new and uncomfortable fear. It was a lethal combination of “Oh this place is haunted, let’s get the f*ck out” scared and a “What was that growling sound” while your out in the woods at night scared. I could hear “The Big 55” laughing like a banshee.

It came and went in a mere 15 minutes but it’s effects were felt long after the last drop of sweat. Each swing told me to give up and each squat laughed at me. But as the last goblet squat was finished the KB smacked the ground as hard as my body. I layed motionless and breathed in breaths of freedom. Oh air, so sweet!

Dan John, you are truly a mad scientist and know how to force the human body to adapt and transform. Mike (Michael as I know him pre 17), tell “It’ that I am probably stronger, bigger, and faster than his psychopathic, middle aged, overweight ass and if he wants me he has to catch me first. If he does find a way to get me, I will be taking a Kettlebell straight to his clown skull.



Doesn't look good for you "CLOWN!"


Happy Halloween!